Tag: weightloss

Helpful Hints

My Struggle With An Eating Disorder

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If you would have even asked me a year ago if I thought I had an eating disorder, I would have told you no, I just enjoy eating. I know today, that that was very far from the truth. Most people assume people with eating disorders are underweight. That is the most common association, but not always true. There are actually quite a few eating disorders besides anorexia and bulimia. An eating disorder is defined as any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits.

From a very young age, I didn’t know, but I had binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder is a severe eating disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort); a feeling of a loss of control during the binge; experiencing shame, distress or guilt afterwards; and not regularly using unhealthy compensatory measures (e.g., purging) to counter the binge eating.

I clearly remember this behavior starting around 10-11 years of age I would say. It was around the fourth grade, and I would avoid breakfast and lunch because I apparently thought people would just think I was naturally fat since they never see me eat. Oh, boy. Needless to say, as soon as I’d get home from school I hit the kitchen hard before my dad would come home from work. I would eat to the point that my stomach would hurt. I always would start over the next day by starving myself all days to “counteract” all the calories. I know now, that does not work. I also did things like going to my friends house and eat dinner, then I’d come home and tell my dad I hadn’t had dinner so I could eat twice.

Truth also be told, I was dealing with quite a few other hardships, between my grandparents divorce, my parents divorce, my issues with my childhood trauma, hating myself, and wanting to look like the pretty girls at school; I ate for comfort. It was my drug of choice, which yeah might be less extreme than hard drugs…but when you actually think about it it can kill you too! Some of my favorite foods included pizza rolls, pasta, snack cakes, cookies, anything fried, pop, frozen pizzas, macaroni and cheese, you name it…I was demolishing it behind closed doors.

Once my parents got divorced, my eating habits got worse in some ways and better in others. I ate more in the public eye at this point and wasn’t binge eating. However, since my mom worked so much to support my brother and me we ate fast food a lot. Or ordered pizza. It got so repetitive and addictive. Another thing that made me mad was that my brother was eating the same things, but didn’t gain the weight like I was. This was because I was also very inactive.

Fast forward to April 2020, COVID-19 keeping us all in our homes. At this point I was down to 206 pounds, from my heaviest of ever of 285. I had been living my keto/low carb lifestyle for 8 months at that point. Little did I realize that the binge eating was about to rear it’s ugly head back into my life. As the weeks of quarantine went on, I got bored. I tried working out at home to no avail, so all I did was eat and play video games all day. Along with that, I was also staying up til like three in the morning doing this. Playing video games and snacking on junk went hand in hand. Although I wasn’t eating foods I wasn’t supposed to, I was eating so much of it. I was going to the point that my stomach would feel like it was gonna burst and I still couldn’t stop.

I started to feel guilty about it when the scale crept up to 216. So in order to counteract this, I once again resorted to starving myself. This time was different than I had ever experienced. I started enjoying starving myself. When I would go all day without eating, I “felt good” I “felt skinny” and the scale was reflecting that. Within a couple weeks I was down to 203! I was doing it so unhealthy of course, and I started to feel guilty about it. I knew I was doing it the wrong way. I talked to a couple of my friends about what I was feeling. These are some of the things going through my mind:

  • I genuinely felt good about myself when I didn’t eat.
  • I weighed myself each day, and every time I’d lose, it would reinforce the bad behavior.
  • I had a checkup coming up with my doctor, and last time I was there I told her I’d be 199, and since that day was approaching I starved myself even more to hit it. (she never asked me to do it, it was something I wanted to accomplish)
  • I knew what I was doing was wrong.

After speaking to my friends and my mother about it,I decided to start weighing myself every few days instead of every day. This took some of the pressure off. I made a point to only eat small portions, but I would eat something for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I started eating more mindfully (there’s a fantastic book on this) https://www.amazon.com/Eating-Mindfully-Mindless-Balanced-Relationship/dp/160882330X

Recognizing my bad habits, and listening to my body when it was hungry helped me get through that period of time. I gained a few pounds back, but since then have lost them, and am sitting at a steady 195 today. I have done it the right way. I do not feel guilty. I was so focused on eating too many calories to hit my goal weight as fast as possible that it was jeopardizing my health. As I write this today, I can tell you without any doubts or guilt; that I have cheat days here and there and sometimes eat too much (not binge eating, just overeating) I do NOT count calories anymore, I weigh myself once a week, I am not in the gym every day, and I eat when I am feeling hungry.

I hope if you are still here reading this, if you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, please seek help. Also educate yourself on the subject and know the signs. Eating disorders are more common in females, and I think this needs to be something we discuss freely. It is an extremely common thing I am starting to realize so many others struggle with. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

Main Dishes

COVID-19/Life Update

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I hope whoever is currently reading this is finding themselves well. I know some of us are scared for ourselves, our families, our children. However, we are all in this together, and we all need to keep pushing! This is such a weird time in all of our lives, and I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out here in the open.

If you’re new here, my name is Ashley and I started a low carb diet August 20th, 2019 and have stuck to it ever since! The hardest part was that I have the biggest sweet tooth imaginable, and I knew unless I learned how to bake low carb/keto friendly I wouldn’t be able to stick to my plan. So in October, I dedicated part of my life to making things I used to love having for dessert. I have so much fun doing what I do each day, and sharing it with all of you. I only wish I could post more, but life is a extremely busy chore!

At my heaviest, circa 2012-2013, I weighed 285 pounds. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had my first bout with depression. I went through a earth shattering break up. I cried myself to sleep for about a year straight. I know that seems utterly ridiculous, but when the first love of your life who was also your best friend for like 8 years breaks your heart, it may take awhile to recover. Everyone is different, but it took me a long time to get over. I turned to eating more than ever before, and I had found a job I loved and had money to blow on fast food daily. Looking back, I cannot believe I didn’t gain more than what I did.

I struggled with being overweight as a child since around 1999-2000 and up until now. (That’s a story for another day) Through all of those 20 years I would try diet after diet after diet with no results. However, at the end of 2013 I was determined to change. I was going to the gym like 4-5 times a week, eating low calorie and low fat, and lost like 30 pounds or so. Then as most of us know all too well, I fell off the wagon when summer came along. Gained a little bit back and was hovering at 260.

In July of 2017, I was up to 280, and I had enough. A wonderful new friend of mine was living her vegan lifestyle. She had been doing so for a LONG time and still is, and there is no doubt in my mind that she will continue that forever. She inspired me to try it as well. I seriously LOVED it! I stuck with it for a year and a half, lost 35 pounds. I don’t even remember why I quit, I think I just fell into the temptation of fast food again. It’s so hard.

I managed to stay around 245-255 after I quit, just because I was still working out here and there. I was still eating insane amounts of calories. For example, I would order a mexican pizza with sour cream, a crunchwrap supreme, a chicken quesadilla, and a large soda of some sort from Taco Bell. Somehow, I ate it all! That was roughly around 1,800 calories, just for dinner. I usually had fast food for breakfast too, and with that I was probably consuming close to 3,500 calories on the days I had fast food twice. (which was quite often, at least 4 times a week)

In July of 2019, my grandmother passed away. It absolutely crushed me, I will never forget how bad my mental health got. It took everything I had to go to work. When I would get home from work I would just lay down in my room for the rest of the day just crying, hating myself, and wanting to die. It got so bad in fact, that I finally went to a new doctor and shared my feelings with her. She officially diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I always had a suspicion that I had anxiety, but I never knew how bad it actually was until I started taking medicine for it and started therapy. NEVER feel ashamed to get help. We are all worthy. Everyone is different, and medicine may not work for you…but even though I had a constant migraine for two weeks, once that cleared up I was a brand new woman. I only wish I had done it sooner.

In that same week that I was diagnosed with those, I also got yelled at by my doctor for high cholesterol levels, and my weight. That was enough for me to realize that I did not want to continue living the way I was. I decided I was going to get healthy for the last time ever. For the first time ever, I didn’t have a binge day. (that day that you eat everything you’re gonna miss before you start a diet) I started immediately. As if I could catch a break, that same week my brother was being deployed overseas. I was dealing with so much, I am proud to say I made it through.

So fast forward to present day, I am sitting at 208 while I’m writing this, even though I was 203 before they closed the gyms up due to COVID-19. This has been so tough. Working out at home is not easy in the slightest, and I never thought in a million years I would ever miss going to the gym every day. I am trying my best, but it is a struggle. Temptation is around constantly. Plus being unemployed right now, I swear all I do is nap and eat. Starting tomorrow, I am putting everything I have into getting under 200. I am so close, and putting it out there I feel like I have to hold myself accountable to do so. I have the eating down, it’s just getting off the couch to workout I have to change. Wish me luck!

If you’re still here, I appreciate you reading, and learning about me. I want to share more personal stuff in the future, because it is so freeing, and I’m not afraid anymore. I love who I have become, and who I plan to be. If you already know me personally, you know me a lot better now.

Dear COVID-19, please go away soon. I miss my friends, family, and the gym.

Here’s me at 285
Then at 255 vs 206
Helpful Hints

My experience with staying on track through holidays and events.

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The dreaded holidays are here. I love the holidays, don’t get me wrong, but as most of you know it’s hard to stay on track! This is the first time in my life I’ve been on a diet during the holidays instead of “taking a break” until they’re over. I made this excuse constantly, and looking back now, I realize I was just stuck in my comfort zone.

I would always want to start losing weight after summer, because of all the barbecues and cookouts were over with. So I’d usually start in September, but quit by October because my mom’s birthday was that month, and Halloween. Then I’d usually pick it back up for a bit at the beginning of November, take a break for Thanksgiving, then decide “there’s no use trying to keep this up until after Christmas”.

Then after Christmas, comes New Years, then my birthday in January. By then, the gyms are packed with everyone starting their New Years resolutions , that I didn’t want to go then either. The with February comes more friends birthdays, then with spring comes easter, then pretty soon we’re back in summer and those barbecues are back. A whole year wasted. Year after year of excuses.

When I started this journey, Labor Day was right around the corner. My grandma always has a big cookout, and this year I didn’t go. I figured my family would most likely be upset with me, but I knew if I went that I would be setting myself up for failure. “One little cookie” turns into four or five, and so on. That day, I went to the gym for an hour and went back home. Although, I felt bad for not making an appearance, that was the first holiday that I didn’t cheat.

Then came Halloween. I knew that I’d be passing out candy this year, and I knew I was going to be tempted, but I didn’t realize how much. When I went to the store to buy candy I made sure to pick out candy that wouldn’t tempt me. Whenever I got home, my grandpa bought some candy too, and when I opened the bag, there they were. Reese’s Cups, Snickers Bars, Kit Kats, and Twix. I wanted to have a Reese’s Cup SO bad. All this time, and I hadn’t been that tempted to cheat. I put one in my hand to open it, and I thought for a second. “Is this piece of candy worth everything that comes along with it?” NO. It wasn’t. So I resisted, barely. I thought about it all day.

At the start of November I went to my friends’ Halloween party, knowing full well I’d be tempted there as well. I knew there would be candy, drinks, and food I’d have to ignore. I made a point (because I turn into a garbage disposal when I drink) to pack alcoholic beverages that were keto friendly, and snacks and keto cookies that I could eat when I got to that point. I had the best time, I still didn’t cheat. In fact, I wasn’t even tempted to cheat. If I wanted snacks, I had my own. If I wanted alcohol, I had my own. No excuse to eat or drink anything else. I did indulge in some low carb Jell-O shots my friends made though! But once again, low carb friendly.

Now here we are, two days away from the biggest holiday for eating. THANKSGIVING. I’ve been dreading it a bit, because I know there’s gonna be people in my ear all day, “Treat yourself. Reward yourself. You’ve worked so hard just have a little bit. Just a bite won’t hurt.” Truth is, those to me, are the worst things to tell someone. Why would you want to convince me to fail? Everyone is different. Some people have success with cheating now and again, but I do not.

As soon as I fall off the wagon, there’s no getting back up. Also, I know how agonizing my first week on my diet was like. Withdrawing from carbs and sugar SUCKS. I had a headache every day, felt sick, tired, hungry. I don’t want to go through that again, plus to me, I know I call it a diet, but it is a lifestyle change. That’s the difference.

I will be bringing my own dessert to my grandma’s house Thursday. She always has plenty of food so can have like turkey, ham, salad, deviled eggs, veggies with dip, and she works at a meat place so she usually has some kind of beef too. Friday, I’m going to have my own Friendsgiving, and I’ll be cooking everything. Non keto, and keto friendly stuff for everyone. I am very excited to post my feast along with the recipes and pictures. Thanks for listening, and enjoy the holiday.

-Ashley, Not Without Sweetness