Not Without Sweetness

I hope whoever is currently reading this is finding themselves well. I know some of us are scared for ourselves, our families, our children. However, we are all in this together, and we all need to keep pushing! This is such a weird time in all of our lives, and I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out here in the open.

If you’re new here, my name is Ashley and I started a low carb diet August 20th, 2019 and have stuck to it ever since! The hardest part was that I have the biggest sweet tooth imaginable, and I knew unless I learned how to bake low carb/keto friendly I wouldn’t be able to stick to my plan. So in October, I dedicated part of my life to making things I used to love having for dessert. I have so much fun doing what I do each day, and sharing it with all of you. I only wish I could post more, but life is a extremely busy chore!

At my heaviest, circa 2012-2013, I weighed 285 pounds. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had my first bout with depression. I went through a earth shattering break up. I cried myself to sleep for about a year straight. I know that seems utterly ridiculous, but when the first love of your life who was also your best friend for like 8 years breaks your heart, it may take awhile to recover. Everyone is different, but it took me a long time to get over. I turned to eating more than ever before, and I had found a job I loved and had money to blow on fast food daily. Looking back, I cannot believe I didn’t gain more than what I did.

I struggled with being overweight as a child since around 1999-2000 and up until now. (That’s a story for another day) Through all of those 20 years I would try diet after diet after diet with no results. However, at the end of 2013 I was determined to change. I was going to the gym like 4-5 times a week, eating low calorie and low fat, and lost like 30 pounds or so. Then as most of us know all too well, I fell off the wagon when summer came along. Gained a little bit back and was hovering at 260.

In July of 2017, I was up to 280, and I had enough. A wonderful new friend of mine was living her vegan lifestyle. She had been doing so for a LONG time and still is, and there is no doubt in my mind that she will continue that forever. She inspired me to try it as well. I seriously LOVED it! I stuck with it for a year and a half, lost 35 pounds. I don’t even remember why I quit, I think I just fell into the temptation of fast food again. It’s so hard.

I managed to stay around 245-255 after I quit, just because I was still working out here and there. I was still eating insane amounts of calories. For example, I would order a mexican pizza with sour cream, a crunchwrap supreme, a chicken quesadilla, and a large soda of some sort from Taco Bell. Somehow, I ate it all! That was roughly around 1,800 calories, just for dinner. I usually had fast food for breakfast too, and with that I was probably consuming close to 3,500 calories on the days I had fast food twice. (which was quite often, at least 4 times a week)

In July of 2019, my grandmother passed away. It absolutely crushed me, I will never forget how bad my mental health got. It took everything I had to go to work. When I would get home from work I would just lay down in my room for the rest of the day just crying, hating myself, and wanting to die. It got so bad in fact, that I finally went to a new doctor and shared my feelings with her. She officially diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I always had a suspicion that I had anxiety, but I never knew how bad it actually was until I started taking medicine for it and started therapy. NEVER feel ashamed to get help. We are all worthy. Everyone is different, and medicine may not work for you…but even though I had a constant migraine for two weeks, once that cleared up I was a brand new woman. I only wish I had done it sooner.

In that same week that I was diagnosed with those, I also got yelled at by my doctor for high cholesterol levels, and my weight. That was enough for me to realize that I did not want to continue living the way I was. I decided I was going to get healthy for the last time ever. For the first time ever, I didn’t have a binge day. (that day that you eat everything you’re gonna miss before you start a diet) I started immediately. As if I could catch a break, that same week my brother was being deployed overseas. I was dealing with so much, I am proud to say I made it through.

So fast forward to present day, I am sitting at 208 while I’m writing this, even though I was 203 before they closed the gyms up due to COVID-19. This has been so tough. Working out at home is not easy in the slightest, and I never thought in a million years I would ever miss going to the gym every day. I am trying my best, but it is a struggle. Temptation is around constantly. Plus being unemployed right now, I swear all I do is nap and eat. Starting tomorrow, I am putting everything I have into getting under 200. I am so close, and putting it out there I feel like I have to hold myself accountable to do so. I have the eating down, it’s just getting off the couch to workout I have to change. Wish me luck!

If you’re still here, I appreciate you reading, and learning about me. I want to share more personal stuff in the future, because it is so freeing, and I’m not afraid anymore. I love who I have become, and who I plan to be. If you already know me personally, you know me a lot better now.

Dear COVID-19, please go away soon. I miss my friends, family, and the gym.